Aaron Thompson's Outside the Asylum

Enough of this pack of crap

2005-12-15T11:13:00.000-05:00

I am abandoning Blogspot in favor of Xanga (*gasp*). This has not been an easy decision to make. However, I am impatient and waiting 30 seconds every time I click a link in the Blogger structure has gotten under my skin.

I had been posting in both, but I just can't do it any more. If it takes 10 minutes to write an article, it takes 10 more to post it through Blogger.

I know that Xanga is geared towards 14 year old girls whereas Blogger is more for pretentious egocentrics like me. I know this well. If Blogger operated on a system that actually worked I would continue using it. Besides, I have grown fond of my Xanga site and feel that it looks a lot better than 99.9999999999999% of the Blogger or Xanga sites out there.

Anyway, the Asylum will continue at www.xanga.com/thompsonius indefinitely, but I don't foresee any new posts here -- at least not until I hear that Blogger upgrades their systems to a functional speed.

Prisoners Decide Courtroom Trials "Just Not For Them"

2005-12-07T10:47:00.000-05:00

Baghdad, Iraq -- In response to Saddam Hussein's decision not to attend his own court proceedings, a spokesman for the United States Department of Justice said today that prisoners all over the country were telling their guards that they weren't going to go to court either.

Many observers criticized the Saddam war crimes trial as a sham after the ousted Iraqi president was able to place his own trial on hold by boycotting it. "A dangerous precedent has been set. Now defendants can end their own trials just because they don't like the way it's going," said Shane Hix.

Within hours of the announcement that Saddam's trial had been postponed indefinitely because the defendant refused to go, hundreds of prisoners in jails across America made similar declarations. "If that Ay-rab can say his trial blows then so can I," said Jim Holland, of Trenton, New Jersey. Holland is charged is grand theft auto but has decided that since he is even more likely to be convicted than Saddam, he's not going to go either.

Hix pointed out the bright side of the matter. "Saddam said that he's not afraid of execution. That's a lucky coincidence for us since that's what he's going to get."

However, Hix declined to comment on any immediate Justice Department plans to mitigate the effects of the prisoners' boycotts. "Let's just hope Tom DeLay's not reading the newspaper today," he said.

On the Effectiveness of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study

2005-12-05T16:24:00.000-05:00

Ali Rahimi, Ben Recht, Jason Taylor, Noah Vawter17 Feb 2005
1. Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Department, MIT.
2. Media Laboratory, MIT.

Abstract

Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyzer, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggest the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government's invasive abilities. We speculate that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

Introduction

It has long been suspected that the government has been using satellites to read and control the minds of certain citizens. The use of aluminum helmets has been a common guerrilla tactic against the government's invasive tactics. Surprisingly, these helmets can in fact help the government spy on citizens by amplifying certain key frequency ranges reserved for government use. In addition, none of the three helmets we analyzed provided significant attenuation to most frequency bands.

We describe our experimental setup, report our results, and conclude with a few design guidelines for constructing more effective helmets.

Experimental Setup

The Centurion

The Classical

The Fez

We evaluated the performance of three different helmet designs, commonly referred to as the Classical, the Fez, and the Centurion. These designs are portrayed in Figure 1. The helmets were made of Reynolds aluminum foil. As per best practices, all three designs were constructed with the double layering technique described elsewhere.

A radio-frequency test signal sweeping the ranges from 10 Khz to 3 Ghz was generated using an omni directional antenna attached to the Agilent 8714ET's signal generator.

The experimental apparatus, including a data recording laptop, a $250,000 network analyzer, and antennae

A network analyzer (Agilent 8714ET) and a directional antenna measured and plotted the signals. See Figure 2.

Because of the cost of the equipment (about $250,000), and the limited time for which we had access to these devices, the subjects and experimenters performed a few dry runs before the
actual experiment (see Figure 3).

Test subjects during dry run

The receiver antenna was placed at various places on the cranium of 4 different subjects: the frontal, occipital and parietal lobes. Once with the helmet off and once with the helmet on. The network analyzer plotted the attenuation between the signals in these two settings at different frequencies, from 10 Khz to 3 Ghz. Figure 4 shows a typical plot of the attenuation at different frequencies.

A typical attenuation trace from the network analyzer

Results

For all helmets, we noticed a 30 db amplification at 2.6 Ghz and a 20 db amplification at 1.2 Ghz, regardless of the position of the antenna on the cranium. In addition, all helmets exhibited a marked 20 db attenuation at around 1.5 Ghz, with no significant attenuation beyond 10 db anywhere else.

Conclusion

The helmets amplify frequency bands that coincide with those allocated to the US government between 1.2 Ghz and 1.4 Ghz. According to the FCC, these bands are supposedly reserved for "radio location" (i.e., GPS), and other communications with satellites. The 2.6 Ghz band coincides with mobile phone technology. Though not affiliated by the government, these bands are at the hands of multinational corporations.

It requires no stretch of the imagination to conclude that the current helmet craze is likely to have been propagated by the Government, possibly with the involvement of the FCC. We hope this report will encourage the paranoid community to develop improved helmet designs to avoid falling prey to these shortcomings.

Original study may be found at http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/

2005-12-03T17:20:00.000-05:00

Special thanks for this gem of real-world news to:

James Fussell
Knight Ridder Newspapers
Dec. 2, 2005

Sooner or later you're going to sneeze.

And what with allergies, cold and flue season and furnaces blasting dust through your house like a leaf blower, we're betting on sooner. Ah, well. Or should we say, "achoo"?

But before you reach for the tissue again, ask yourself how much you really know about your noble sneeze? You might know, for instance, that when you do sneeze you spew 100,000 bacteria through the air at better than 100 mph. But did you know that you're also revealing aspects of your personality?

It's true.

So says Patti Wood, spokeswoman of Benadryl, the creator of "The Achool IQ Quiz."

Wood, who is also a body language expert, combined a sneezing survey of 547 people with three motnhs of "observational" analysis. Then she correlated people's sneezing styles and behaviors with a "well-researched" personality test.

Her conclusion: Even though nearly half the respondents believed their sneeze was sponatneous, most people have a specific sneezing style that closely matches their personality. Here are several styles Wood has analyzed. See which one best matches your personality.

The enthusiastic sneezer

But, lusty and powerful.

WOOD SAYS: "You are a charismatic leader and influencer. You are imaginative and have great 'out of the box' ideas. You are intuitive and can inspire and motivate others. You value your relationships and hold them dear. You welcome new people and new opportunities. You are optimistic and spontaneous. You are open, and people know what you are feeling. You are articulate and enjoy a good conversation, whether it is over the phone, over dinner or out socializing. You are more likely to have sneezes that people notice - big or multiple."

The nice sneezer

No showy histrionics or noise levels; would rather hold it back so as not to offend.

WOOD SAYS: "You are warm and friendly and like a relaxed pace. The most important thing in your life is your relationship with others. You will work hard to avoid conflict and get along. You are loyal, calm and dependable. People say you are a good listener, though you sometimes feel interrupted. You are helpful, supportive and nurturing."

The be-right sneezer

A proper, dignified and moderate achoo. Most likely to cover mouth with a tissue or hankie.
WOOD SAYS: "You are careful and accurate. A deep thinker, you always consider things before you speak. You are detailed and precise and catch mistakes that others miss. You have great insights and opinions, but you don't always get a chance to express them. You like to read books that make you think. You like to work by yourself and relax at home because you enjoy solitude. You take your time, play by the rules and wish others would do the same."

The get-it-done sneezer

Bang! Quick and hard. No nonsense.

WOOD SAYS: "You are fast, decisive and to the point. You wish others could do the same. You're efficient and uncomplicated. You do not have to rely on others. You are a leader. You are forceful and commanding and work to get things quickly accomplished. You seek physical exertion. You do not like to be used unfairly by others. You will hold in your sneeze if you can and are more likely to have a big loud sneeze than other types."

But surely those aren't the only kinds of sneezes. Recently, after our own informal analysis, we came up with a few more. What do they say? We'll let you be the judge of that.

THE BLASTER

Incoming! Hide the women and children. Board up the windows! Get out the Lysol!

Ahh Ahh CHOOOOOOOOO! (Also known as the Big Bad Wolf Sneeze, or the We-Can-Hear-You-In-The-Next-Area-Code Sneeze).

THE REPEATER

The sneeze so nice they do it twice. Or three times. Or 12. Sweet sassie malassie! You done now?
THE MINIMIZER

Dainty. Genteel. If polite society had an official sneeze, this would be it. A sneeze best performed after eating finger sandwiches and drinking tea with the pinkie extended. Sounds like (say it gently and politely, preferably in a high voice) Ahh-tyou!

THE COUGHER

Whoa! How did you sneeze out of your throat like that?

THE STIFLER

Two ahhs followed by a muffled internal explosion sometimes accompanied by a mouse squeak. Egads! You're going to blow your eyeballs out doing that.

THE SNUFFLER

Ever seen a dog sneeze?

THE SPRAYER

Eeeuuww! Get out the squeegee. Call the Centers for Disease Control. Ever heard of covering your mouth?

THE TWO-TIMER

Two sneezes, short and quick. Not three. Not one and done. Two. Every time.

THE FREEZER

The sneezer's face and entire body freeze for several seconds as the sneeze builds internally before expression.

THE TEASER

Five or six ahs followed by... nothing. Well? You going to do it or aren't you?

THE TOOTER

You know what we're talking about

SNEEZING Q&A

Q: What causes a sneeze?
A: In most cases, sneezing is the body's way of expelling an irritant from the nose. It also can be a reaction to allergies. But many other things have been shown to cause people to sneeze, including light (called photic sneezing), combing hair, tweezing eyebrows, rubbing the inner corner of the eyes, overeating, orgasm.

Q: Can you stifle a sneeze?
A: Sometimes you can stop it before it comes. But trying to stop it after it has started can be dangerous.

Q: Does the heart really stop during the sneeze?
A: You'd better hope not! A "stopped" heart is serious stuff. Sneezes are powerful however. They increase the pressure in your chest and change blood flow. It's possible what people are thinking about when they say a sneeze stops your heart is that an enthusiastic sneeze occasionally may make your heart flutter or skip a beat. But, no, it doesn't stop it - not even momentarily.

Q: What is the speed of a sneeze?
A: No one knows for sure, and scientific estimates vary widely. The most conservative estimators put the velocity of a sneeze at 100 mph. Then again, the JFK Health World Museum in Barrington, Ill., pegs the speed of a sneeze at 630 mph.

Q: What is the world sneezing record?
A: The Guinness Book of World Records' longest sneezing fit is 977 days, comprising more than a million sneezes.

Q: What role did sneezing play in the history of movies?
A: That goes back to Thomas Edison, who copyrighted the first film on Jan. 7, 1894. The quick movie snippet showed Edison's assistant, Fred Ott, sneezing. The title: (what else?) "Fred Ott's Sneeze."

Q: Has sneezing been studied much?
A: More than 50 major research papers have been written on it worldwide since 1991, including research into backward sneezing in dogs and turtle sneezing.

Q: Is sneezing dangerous?
A: As a rule, no. It's actually beneficial in removing irritants and clearing the nasal passages. But as with everything, there are exceptions. The medical literature includes instances where a patient damaged his aorta with persistent and violent sneezing.

Q: Is the inability to sneeze dangerous?
A: In India, they apparently think so. Psychology Today reported that while sneezing is seen as healthy there, the inability to sneeze is considered a medical problem known as "asneezia." No joke. The people of India have long used snuff as a way to artificially induce what they see as a lusty and cathartically healthy sneeze.

Q: Do animals sneeze?
A: Most do, said Liz Harmon, general curator for the Kansas City Zoo. Some animals she has seen sneeze include tortoises, tigers, parrots, bears, wolves, gorillas, chimps and orangutans. On the other hand, she has never seen a bird, snake or insect sneeze.

Q: What animal sneezes the most?
A: The iguana, according to reptile experts, sneezes more often and more productively than any other animal. Sneezing is teh way they rid their bodies of certain salts that are byproducts of their digestive processes.

Picture of the Day

2005-12-02T18:08:00.000-05:00

The following is courtesy of the Washington Times

2005-12-02T14:20:00.000-05:00

Hopefully posting this isn't a breach of my security clearance, but I can't resist. In my time with FEMA down here in Mississippi, I have learned a great many things about living and working within the federal bureaucracy. I have been impressed by the public information proofing and approval process. I am convinced that the process the federal government uses to authorize the release of information to the public is designed to prevent exactly that.

Allow me to give you a brief overview of the Public Information Proofing and Approval process.
First you have to write the darn thing. This entails collecting information from no less than 9 different departments depending upon what you need. None of these people want to give you said information because they don’t trust you to use it properly.

Once you write it (in this case a 9-page briefing for state and federal officials regarding Katrina relief efforts) you have to get it authorized. Ironically, at no point does this involve proofing for quality of writing – grammar and punctuation. All the authorizers care about is that you got the numbers correct. So you go back to the same people you got the numbers from to show that you did, in fact, use them correctly. However, you can never find those same 9 people; instead you have to go to 9 of their peers or assistants who share an equal distrust of seeing their numbers used on anything they themselves did not write. One by one you must coax and convince these people that your project is on the up and up. They will accept the clipboard which holds your believed project with something less than eagerness. “Come back in an hour” they will say whilst you know that it will take at least two. I say at least two because that is the minimum. In reality you may never see your clipboard again.

If by some miracle you get the program departments to sign off on the fact that you copied and pasted their data correctly, you then have to get the state and federal Public Information Officers to agree that your information is both pertinent to the public (or whoever the target audience is) and politically wise to distribute. Here you fall into the trap thinking, “I am a Public Information Officer. He is my peer therefore I will receive respect and helpful attention.” You would be foolish to hold to this notion. The PIO’s, in fact, sole job is to convince you that the information you are attempting to disseminate is not applicable or safe for distribution. He will demand that you remove certain portions (read: everything of consequence) or add others (data that does not exist in any meaningful way).

Once you get the PIOs on board for your project, you are almost done. Sweating bullets, you take the clipboard to the FCO’s office (Federal Coordinating Officer). If the FCO agrees that you have done well, then you are set. The FCO will not be in his office as he is the most important person in the entire disaster recovery and everyone knows that your importance is inversely proportional to the amount of time you are in your office (this relationship also applies, albeit oppositely, in terms of time elapsed before an email is ever returned).

Be reminded at no point in any of this was your project checked for grammar and punctuation. I suppose since you, esteemed PIO, were hired for your magnificent writing abilities, they do not feel that it is necessary to check your work in that area. I mean, c’mon everyone can write perfectly on their first try with no oversight, right? I mean can’t you? But of course if there are mistakes that are found later you will be blamed. Never mind that 9 other people said it was fine. The burden was on you.

Congratulations, FEMA Public Information Officer, you have successfully completed your project. You have developed and compiled information critically important that will help pacify and inform state and federal officials. Information is power and it is important that officials on the ground speaking to their constituents hold the power to assuage the anguish of those who will blame them for any failure. This will then allow them to successfully pass the blame onto FEMA (I have come to realize that my job is to streamline the process by which they blame us for everything).

Unfortunately, while you were writing this post you received word that the data and statistics that are included in your project have been updated. Your information is now out of date. Update your numbers and start the whole process over again.

TSA Eases Carry-On Restrictions -- Still No Box Cutters

2005-12-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

Washington, DC -- Airline passengers will soon be allowed to once again carry certain previously-banned items, Transportation Security Administration chief Kip Hawley announced today.

The plan will take effect December 22. As part of a broad project aimed at reducing the growing discontent over airline security lines and delays, Hawley produced a list of items that would no longer be prohibited.

Under the new plan, airline travelers will be subjected to more random levels of security screening. "We feel that it is very important that a potential terrorist not know what to expect when he tries to board an airplane," Hawley said. Some airports, he said, might run full screenings with metal detectors, wands, pat-downs, strip searches and cavity searches. Others will, "stare at you menacingly."

Among the items now permissable on commercial airline flights: scissors, switchblades, butterfly knives, brass knuckles, chinese throwing stars, machetes, swords and mace-and-chains provided "the chain doesn't create a choking hazard," Hawley added.

Hawley was quick to point out that box cutters, nail clippers and Swiss Army knives are still banned because, "these are the tools of terrorism."

"With the proliferation of these easily-accessible weapons into the hands of potential terrorists, it is imperative that we retain a level of heightened security and awareness to keep the public safe and secure while flying."

Iraq Announces New Toil-for-Crude Program

2005-11-30T12:58:00.000-05:00

Baghdad, Iraq -- Thamir Ghadban, Iraq's Interim Minister of Oil announced today a program designed to rebuilding Iraq's struggling economy.

Known as the Toil-for-Crude program, the program will allow unemployed and underemployed Iraqi citizens to work in the oil fields. "That oil is our life blood. We need workers drilling it now. Only then will this government's coffers begin to refill."

Oil drilling has always been a highly profitable enterprise for the government. It takes a high royalty rate for every barrel recovered. "They work and we get oil -- what more could you ask for?" Ghadban asked.

Several large oil companies, including Exxon Mobil and Shell, quickly voiced their support for the plan. "Iraq has workers who are not employed and oil that needs drilling. We need the oil and to get it we need the workers," said Alan Bailey, a spokesman for Exxon Mobil.

Several Iraqi government officials are already in line to pocket the oil revenues for their own. They are expected to continue jockeying for the most efficiently corrupt angle over the next several months.

When asked about what sorts of benefits the employees who take on the jobs of oil drillers, a notoriously dangerous line of work, Bailey gave nothing but a blank stare.

NOAA Regrets Skipping Letters for Hurricane Names

2005-11-29T15:55:00.000-05:00

Orlando, FL -- Since the beginning of record-keeping, there has never been more than 21 named storms in a given year. With this week's announcement of Tropical Storm Epsilon comes yet another record-setting number - now up to 26.

"This hurricane season shattered records that have stood for decades—most named storms, most hurricanes and most Category Five storms. Arguably, it was the most devastating hurricane season the country has experienced in modern times," said retired Navy Vice Admiral Conrad Lautenbacher, Jr., Ph.D., undersecretary of commerce for oceans and administrator of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

He then continued, "Had we known that 2005 was going to be so bad, you can be sure we wouldn't have skipped those obscure letters." NOAA does not name storms beginning with the letters Q, U, X, Y and Z. "There aren't many names starting with those letters, but there are even fewer storms. Given the risk, I think it's obvious we made a mistake."

Had NOAA named storms using the entire alphabet, Hurricanes Rita and Wilma, which struck the Gulf Coast in October, would instead have been named Quin and Vince respectively. Tropical Storm Vince would have been named Uma.

"If we had used all the letters, instead of getting lazy and going straight to the Greek alphabet, we'd be talking about Tropical Storm Zach right now, instead of Epsilon. Ugg." Lautenbacher expressed his disgust and embarrassment about being caught unprepared by the storms. "FEMA thinks they've got it bad for being overwhelmed by the largest catastrophe in American history. But that's nothing. All we had to do was make sure we had enough letters to name the damn things and we blew it."

Lautenbacher suggested that if the environmentalists are correct and this is a foreshadowing of things to come the NOAA might be compelled to switch to naming storms based on the Chinese alphabet which contains as many as 60,000 to 70,000 characters. "That should cover us for a while," he said.

White House Defends Floral Substance Abuse Allegations

2005-11-28T18:51:00.000-05:00

Washington, DC -- Today the White House received into its care an 18-foot Fraser Fir tree from North Carolina as part of an annual Presidential tradition. However, this year's festivities were dampened when an unnamed source leaked information regarding the tree's growth status.

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald announced the information from the press room. "Charges have been made that this tree was subjected to 'miscellaneous growth hormones' in anticipation of its donation to the White House."

The announcement could not come at a worse time. With the Bush administration already reeling under its own personnel troubles, waves of frustration flowed through the White House staff. One staffer, who requested to remain anonymous, called the new allegations "fitting" in light of their existing troubles. "I would like to get through just one week without a Republican, and all too often one of our own staffers, being indicted or resigning in disgrace," he bemoaned.

The type of "hormones" used to grow the tree is still very much in question, but sources close to Fitzgerald's office said they might have been, "some kind of dihydrogen oxide compound." These substances have long been known to cause unnatural growth when given in liquid treatment to the roots of trees.

White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan was quick to point out that Karl Rove has not been attributed to this leak. "Notice no one is blaming KR on this one," he said. "Now I'm not going to open my mouth and say for sure he's not involved, because that turned out badly for me last time, but I'd be willing to bet my intern's pay scale that he didn't have a part in this."

Journey to the Big Easy

2005-11-28T11:06:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: The account I am about to give is that of my own observations. It neither describes the whole of New Orleans nor the immensity of even what I saw. It's a cliche, but words really cannot accurately convey the surreal sight that exists down there right now.

I'm taking a break momentarily to write about my weekend. As a point of introduction, for those who know me personally you know that I am currently working for FEMA in Jackson, Mississippi (and for those who didn't, please don't blame me for all of this -- I'm just doing my job). Now, Mississippi took the brunt of Katrina's wrath. The city of Biloxi was more than 80% erased from the face of the earth by 30 feet or more storm surges. Bay St. Louis, Long Beach and Gulfport met similar fates. Even as far as Pascagoula (where Trent Lott's house used to be) the winds and waters were higher than those that struck New Orleans.

Now had it not been for the levee overload, Mississippi would have been all you heard about on CNN. New Orleans actual wind and surge damage was negligible. However, when the back swing of Katrina pushed Lake Pontchartrain south into the levee system and flooded it, the Big Easy became the Big Story.

I have toured the Mississippi Gulf Coast as part of my job, but I had not yet seen New Orleans (in fact had never been there in my life, as near as I can recall).

Saturday evening after I got off of work I was sitting in my hotel room. I channel-flipped for a few minutes, went to the weight room, called a few friends, but couldn't find any entertainment. So I did one of those things I do from time to time; I randomly got in my car and started driving. About 4 hours (about 1 AM by this time) later I found myself in New Orleans.

My plan, if you could call it that, was to hit up the French Quarter for a couple of hours, take the sights (aka alcohol), find a quiet place to sleep in my car, then tour the city the next morning. This did not happen.

The first problem I encountered was that nothing is open in the French Quarter. I couldn't find a bar to save my life. I drove around the nearly-deserted streets for about an hour before giving up. In fact at least about nine out of every ten cars on the road was either a police cruiser or a military humvee.

Having abandoned my hopes to find the living part of New Orleans I decided to find a nice place to put the seat back in my car and sleep off the rest of the night. I ended up not going to sleep until about 6 AM because I was so mesmerized by what I saw in that city.

New Orleans is a ghost town, straight up. I drove through miles and miles of residential neighborhoods that have no signs of life in them at all. All the lights are out and cars are gone. Every two or three houses lies an ad hoc debris collection point with ten foot tall stacks of furniture, electronics, toys, kitchen wares -- anything that was in the house is usually out by the curb now. In large letters on almost every house, the letters "TFW" had been spray-painted. Most of the houses were built on cinder blocks for elevation, but most of the houses were tilted and washed right off of their stilts. Many buildings and houses had roof collapses. I saw a gas station that had had its awning ripped off, blown up and over the convenience store, and landed on the roof of the house behind it, completely crushing it.

I drove to the Lakeshore Casino. Not figuring it would be open I was curious to see what sort of state it was in. Most of the downtown casinos seemed more or less intact, but this one I knew had been under water. It was not demolished, but it was not habitable either. A few dim lights shone inside of it powered by a large gasoline generator out front. The enormous parking lot adjacent to it was lit in pockets by mobile floodlight systems, like those you see in a roadway construction zone. However, the parking lot was filled not with cars, or even wrecks of cars, but with the boats that had previously been in the Lake. They had washed up several hundred yards and been deposited all over the lot. Most were on their sides. Some were upside down entirely. All were completely rotted with mold and fungus. I climbed down inside the hold of a 50-foot yacht and found a Raggedy Anne doll, like the ones my sisters (not me, mind you) played with when we were kids. Most of the boats looked as though they had already been raided for any useful products.

I drove through the docks where the boats were supposed to be. There was a large waterfront warehouse along the pier. Or I should say there was one side of a large warehouse. The roof and opposite wall were nowhere to be seen. I can only assume they were in the water next to the site.

I headed back west into the city. As I passed along the frontage road underneath I-10 I found what I guess is an abandoned vehicle collection point. Hundreds and hundreds of miscellaneous cars were haphazardly stowed behind a single wire fence. It's obvious from the way they were put there they did not plan on removing them in any reasonable fashion.

I turned off the frontage road in a random residential neighborhood. It was a low-income area, to be sure, with three-story condos. The condos did not have road access to them -- you were supposed to park behind them and walk around in front. I felt this was probably not important to obey any more and drove right up over the curb and onto the lawns. There was obviously no one living there any more. At the far end was a small cemetery. At this point I do not know exactly the words that I could use to describe the sight I saw there. It was almost as though the gravestones and caskets had swapped places. The caskets were strewn about the grounds while the headstones were in any places completely or partially buried by the erosion and sediment deposits. Now I am not a superstitious man, mind you, but it was a drizzly, moonlit night at 4 AM, so I did not stay around very long.

During the course of the night I saw probably fewer than 10 personal vehicles off of the main roads. I did however, see probably a hundred police and military vehicles diligently patrolling the wastelands. I can only imagine what doing that every night for the past 3 months would do to a person. On several occasions I turned my headlights off and ducked into a shadow to keep from being seen by the police. This was not so much because I was doing anything illegal, which I wasn't. But I knew that what I was doing looked highly suspicious and I would just assume avoid attention.

Shortly before sunrise I found a grocery store, parked behind it, kicked the seat back in my car and slept for about 2 hours. About 8 AM I woke up blinked trying to figure out where I was and started heading for home.

Robertson Headed for #1 Turkey

2005-11-26T18:56:00.000-05:00

Boston, MA -- In what many are saying could result in a recall vote on the status of Michael Brown, former FEMA director, as #1 Political Turkey of 2005, Pat Robertson has again taken to the public forum in venomous hostility towards Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. In an open letter to his supporters, Robertson called down the wrath of God, with the United States Army as His instrument, upon the cities of Boston and New York, if they accept Chavez decision to sell heating oil at a cost of nearly 40% below market value. "It should come as no surprise to anyone if, in the name of God and democracy, President Bush decides that the cesspools of Boston and New York should be cleansed of their iniquities."

Chavez announced last week that in order to allay the damages of rising heating oil costs and as a way of demonstrating the superior benevolence of his leftist administration, he would begin selling oil in the Boston and New York markets at rates roughly 40% below market value.

Chavez has long been a critic of America and the Bush administration in particular. He, in turn, has been a less than popular figure among leading US government and social officials. Chavez has repeatedly alleged that the CIA has been planning his assassination. These charges have continuously been denied.

Robertson received criticism for his comments in July that the US government should "take out," Chavez. For his remarks, Robertson landed himself the dubious rank of fourth on the 2005 Political Turkeys list. Some commentators theorized that Robertson had some twisted desire to be #1 on the Turkey list and that his new comments were an attempt to up-end Brown's position at the top.

Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco (#2) and Minnesota Mayor Randy Kelly (#3) defended their positions. Said Blanco, "I don't think we have anything from fear from Robertson. He's just a tired old man jealous that he can't make it any higher than #4. Everyone knows we're all better Turkeys than him."

Kelly suggested that Robertson try his hand at professional sports. "Sports Illustrated has their own Turkey list. Maybe ol' Pat can do better than Terrell Owens at pissing off the general public, but I wouldn't count on it."

When asked about Robertson's comments, Chavez quickly took the opportunity to relish in Robertson's failed ambitions. "Pat Robertson is like the whining child of capitalism, who throws a tantrum when he does not get his way."

A spokesman for Robertson denied that his words were meant as anything other than the righteous indignation of a servant of God. He then proceeded to call down thunder and lightning upon the room filled with hedonistic members of the press.

Jews Revamp Holiday Culture

2005-11-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Washington, DC -- In an effort to curb the waning interest to several Jewish holidays, religious leaders today announced the launch of a major initiative designed to attract attention to the major Jewish celebrations.

The announcement came on the heels of a report showing that as a percentage of the Jewish population, fewer people plan on celebrating Hanukkah this December than at any time on record. "We're getting pummeled," said Israel's Chief Rabbi, Shlomo Amar.

The problem, Amar stated, is one of "attractions." Christianity has regularly achieved near total involvement among its followers, even its less-than-devout followers. Speaking before the Anti-Defamation League's annual dinner, Amar outlined a plan by which Judaism hopes to achieve similar results. "We've patterned some changes after the Christians, but we've also come up with some new ideas."

"Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny... these are the sorts of things we need to include." Amar's remarks earned praise from his audience, though there was some skepticism that a public plan could match the performance of 500 years of Western folklore. Amar dismissed these concerns out of hand saying anyone

Abraham Foxman, emcee of the night's event, described the Rabbi's initative as a "major step forward," in rebounding the Jewish holidays that have been in a long steady decline. "Adam Sandler's song may describe Hanukkah as '8 crazy nights,' but everyone knows it's not true. Frankly, Hanukkah gifts blow; hopefully we'll change that." Polls have regularly shown that younger Jews are not attracted to the prospect of getting a lousy bush and lighting some dumb candles.

Leading relgious experts say they expect this announcement to cause a rash of religious holidy reforms. David Shulenberger, chairman of religious studies at the University of Kansas, believes that the Hindus and Muslims will not be far behind. "The competition level has just been increased. I would not even put it past the Christians and Catholics to make changes if they feel their dominance in the holiday market threatened." Shulenberger declined to theorize as to what changes that might entail, but did suggest that "Mrs. Claus" may begin playing a larger part in Christmas celebrations.

Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, Rare Taxcutter Sighted

2005-05-01T16:12:00.000-04:00

In the same week that scientists reported spotting an 'extinct' ivory-billed woodpecker in an Arkansas swamp, experts in Congress say they caught a fleeting glimpse of another creature thought to be extinct, the red-blooded taxcutter.

The taxcutter (Itzur munyus), whose numbers had been decimated by the predation of the lily-livered deficit hawk (Rino popularis) made an appearance during yesterday's Congressional approval of the 2006 federal budget.

The new budget includes measures to preserve the natural habitat of the fluttering greenback (Hardurnis wagis) -- a dwindling species, formerly plentiful through North America, which can be seen today in great numbers only in a small district near the Potomac River.

The red-blooded taxcutter sighting may bring only small comfort to conservationists, who also learned yesterday that the federal government plans to spend $10 million to preserve and protect the ivory-billed woodpecker.

Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes Up in North Atlantic

2005-04-26T23:19:00.000-04:00

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

DEA: Minutemen are Gone - We're Going Back to Work

2005-04-25T15:30:00.000-04:00

Last week the "Minutemen" announced that they were ceasing their activities. For two weeks volunteers had patrolled the US-Mexico border monitoring for illegal immigrants. Meanwhile, Customs, the INS, DEA, FBI, US Army, the Army National Guards for Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California had all gone on sabbatical. "We didn't feel we were needed any more," said Special Agent Paul Franconia of the DEA. "The Minutemen were such vigilant and efficient border guards that we felt we were only getting in their way." He then turned to the Agent sitting on the cooler and said, "Hey, pass me another beer, would you?"

During the two weeks in which the Minutemen operated, no change was noted in the numbers of illegal immigrants coming across the border. Trista Holworth, spokeswoman for the INS, attributed this to the success of the Minutemen, and to the fact that if they could count them, why couldn't they catch them? "We feel that in our best approximation, or 'blind guess' as you press people like to call them, the Minutemen project has been a success."

With the Minutemen closing shop and going back to their homes to shoot cans again, the regular government employees are returning to work. Franconia seemed saddened as he made the announcement that the Feds were back on the case. "We knew it couldn't last," he said to reporters as he prepared to return to duty."

Assault Rifle Ban Expiration Yields Massive Maintenance of the Status Quo

2005-04-25T15:12:00.000-04:00

It has been 7 months now since the 1994 Assault Rifle Ban expired. Predictions that crime would multiply as more and more previously illegal weapons get into the hands of criminals have been played out, gun control groups say.

The expiration of the Ban was a fairly noneventful occurrence. With Republicans in control of both houses of Congress and the White House there was very little pressure to see the Ban renewed. Rather, say gun advocacy groups, the results of the lifting of the ban show only one thing, that Democrats are lousing at banning things.

"The lifting of this ban may prove to be the downfall of our great society," said Kristen Rand, legislative director of the Violence Policy Center, a gun control group. "In the past 7 months guns sales and gun-related crimes have both increased by a factor of 1, an unprecedented lack of change!"

Gun advocacy groups countered quickly issuing their own statements. Wayne LaPierre, Vice-President of the National Rifle Association spoke out against these findings saying, "This supposed link between the sunset of the Ban and this static crime rate is weak, at best. Didn't anyone consider that maybe all the people getting shot are dying out?" LaPierre's statements coincided with the release of a study conducted by the NRA arguing that the relative liklihood of a mean person getting shot or shooting someone else is higher than a nice person, and that the mean people population was in decline.

This was quickly ruled as "stupid" by all those reading it.

Too Old for this Sith

2005-04-24T06:12:00.000-04:00

And now, an important update from the world of free publicity for the Lucasfilm company.

Last Saturday night at midnight, Star Wars fans headed out to their local Toys"R"Us's or -- in places where Wal-Mart's put Toys"R"Us out of business -- to their Wal-Marts to be the first ones in their temp agencies to get the latest Star Wars merchandise, or as most folks call them, toys.

The "Midnight Madness" events were the first salvo in a marketing blitz for "Star Wars Episode 3," said to be the last in George Lucas' epic saga of 6 movies, which included 3 good ones.

This latest prequel, "The Revenge of the Sith," follows Anakin Skywalker as he is transformed into Darth Vader -- having been brought to the dark side of the force by the conniving senator Palpatine. The movie also traces the destruction of the mystical order of Jedi Knights, including the death of Master Mace Windu, all culminating in the ultimate confrontation between you and the theatre manager when you demand your money back.

After a rousing countdown, fans were loosed inside the store like a battalion of clone troopers attacking Geonosis. Unfortunately the mob trampled one shopper who was just there trying to get his hands on the second series of "The Upside of Anger" action figures, specifically the weeping Joan Allen figure -- press her back and she evokes sadness with a hardened, wise sensitivity.

Brian Goldner, the dark lord of Hasbro, explains some of his company's most popular new items, saying, "This is where Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. We get to see that in the movie, but we also get to play that out, that choice that he makes, in the product line... we give kids the opportunity to choose between the light side and dark side of the force with our lightsabers that change color." Hasbro also gives parents the opportunity to choose either getting one of these lightsabers for their kids or experiencing a great whining in the force.

Goldner continued, saying, "We give (the fans) the opportunity to see all the different segments from all the different movies in our trivial pursuit DVD game." By the way, the "Star Wars Trivial Pursuit" game was recently honored by the toy industry as "Most Redundantly-Named Toy of the Year."

Julio Franco Receives Award from the AARP

2005-04-24T05:08:00.000-04:00

In a ceremony celebrating his 23rd year in Major League Baseball, the AARP bestowed upon Julio Franco, of the Atlanta Braves, a lifetime achievement award. Bill Novelli, CEO of the AARP, presented the award to Franco saying, "This plaque signifies our great respect and admiration that you, after 23 years in the Major Leagues, are still getting hits, stealings bases, winning games, and collecting social security. We applaud you, Mr. Franco."

Speaking before a crowd of some five hundred AARP members at the Emory Conference Center, in Atlanta, Novelli presented Franco with the Methuselah Award for Excellence in Continuing to Cost the Generation-Xers Their Own Future. The crowd was highly energetic and enthusiastic with many of those in attendance giving Franco a standing ovation, quite a feat considering the audience.

Franco was tearful as he accepted the award saying, "[Unintelligible] beisbal tiempo largo." When asked by a reporter if he was a US citizen and therefore eligible to receive Social Security, Franco swung the plaque across the reporter's face, knocking him cold, and proceeded to flee the facility. Bobby Cox was not available for comment as he was apparently on a date with Franco's sister.

Reid: Bush Lied About White House Role in Nuclear Option

2005-04-24T04:51:00.000-04:00

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) accused President Bush on Friday of lying to him about the role his administration would play in a possible Senate rules change -- the latest sign the chamber is headed for an unprecedented showdown over judicial nominees.

Reid released a blistering statement after Vice-President Cheney told a group of Republican lawyers that he would, in his role as President of the Senate, vote to change the rules requiring judges to need only a simple majority for approval.

"Last I met with President Bush and he assured me that the Vice-President understood his role in his matter. The Vice-President is President of the Senate yes, but has no actual power over us. His statements that he will be forcing us to vote clearly compromise the separation of powers which the Founders wrote into the Constitution."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan declined to answer questions relating to the possible miscommunication. However, he did acknowledge that it was possible that President Bush may have spoken with Senator Reid about the "nuclear option," but that if so, the President probably thought he was talking about North Korea. "Frankly, the President doesn't think much on this whole domestic policy thing. He's much more concerned with spreading freedom and war... I mean democracy around the world."

The issue in the Senate is over the Democratic filibusters of several Bush appointees to various judicial posts. The Republicans have been positioning themselves to make a rule change allowing a simple majority to confirm appointments, instead of the current sixty.

If the Vice-President is successful at forcing the vote on the matter, it will be the first time the Vice-President has ever done anything.

Arnold's Border Quip Sparks Praise in Neighbor States

2005-04-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

Governors of Arizona, Nevada and Oregon today praised California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's call to "close the borders," saying it would improve the security and living conditions of all citizens in their own states.

However, a spokesman for Gov. Schwarzenegger said he was speaking of the U.S. borders with Mexico and Canada, not California's borders with neighboring states.

"We're grateful for Arnold's unilateral move to protect us from incursion by Californians," the three governors said in a joint news release. "Our porous borders have posed a grave threat to our states for too many years. The ideological degradation spawned by this influx has devastated our own local cultures."

A spokesman for the local branch of the Minuteman Project said its patrols would continue to man border checkpoints looking for California license plates and "backpackers in Birkenstocks."

Candidate Admits Using Twin as Stand-In

2005-04-23T20:34:00.000-04:00

The leading candidate for mayor of San Antonio admitted on Thursday using his twin brother as a stand-in at a civic event without telling anyone it was not him.

Julian Castro, a 30-year-old city councilman, said brother Joaquin, his identical twin, rode for him in the annual River Parade through downtown San Antonio on Monday.

Videos showed Joaquin smiling and waving to the crowd as he floated along the San Antonio River in a barge for city council members.

"He was standing in the River Parade because I had to host a neighborhood leaders meeting," said Castro.

The others on the barge knew it was Joaquin riding with them, but most of the onlookers in the crowd of about 250,000 did not, city council members said.

Polls show that Castro, who went to Stanford University and Harvard Law School, has a double-digit lead in the mayoral race that will be voted on May 7.

Castro said his brother, who is in the Texas legislature, was not impersonating him and would not have been mistaken for him.

"He's not as good looking," he joked.

But a television anchorman moderating the event identified the man on the barge as Julian, as did the River Parade announcer.

The two appeared together at a press conference on Thursday in T-shirts making light of the event.

"I am Julian," read the one worn by Julian.

"I am not Julian," said Joaquin's.

Julian said Joaquin has been out on the campaign trail for him in other events, but always identified himself as Joaquin.

Julian's mayoral opponents attacked his use of a stand-in as "deceitful" and "immature."

Exploding Toads Baffle German Experts

2005-04-23T20:30:00.000-04:00

Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded.

According to reports from animal welfare workers and veterinarians as many as a thousand of the amphibians have perished after their bodies swelled to bursting point and their entrails were propelled for up to a metre (three feet).

It is like "a science fiction film", according to Werner Smolnik of a nature protection society in the northern city of Hamburg, where the phenomenon of the exploding toad has been observed.

"You see the animals crawling on the ground, swelling and then exploding."

He said the bodies of the toads expanded to three and a half times their normal size.

"I have never seen such a thing," said veterinarian Otto Horst. So bad has the death toll been that the lake in the Altona district of Hamburg has been dubbed "the pond of death."

Access to it has been sealed off and every night a biologist visits it between 2:00 and 3:00 am, which appears to be peak time for batrachians to go bang.

Explanations include an unknown virus, a fungus that has infected the water, or crows, which in an echo of the Alfred Hitchcock movie "The Birds", attack the toads, literally scaring them to death.

God Names Next Chosen People

2005-04-23T20:17:00.000-04:00

Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God's "chosen people" finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almight. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning.

Asked if the descendants of Abraham shouldn't be pleased about being tapped for an unprecendented second term, Jerusalem Rabbi Ben Meyerson shrugged. "Of course, you are right, we should be thrilled," he said. "We should also enjoy a good swift kick in the head, but for some reason, we don't."

"Now don't ask such questions until you watch the news, or read history, or at least rent 'Fiddler on the Roof'."

Much of the world's re-blessed Jewish community shared that feeling. "It's always been considered a joke with us. You know, 'Please G-d, next time choose someone else,' ha ha," said New York City resident David Bashert.

"Ha ha ha," Bashert added. "Damnit."

According to a worldwide survey of faiths, not a single group expressed an interest in being chosen, and the only application submitted before last night's filing deadline, on behalf of the Islamic people, proved to be a fake.

"Somebody filled out a form and signed our name to it, but I guarantee it wasn't us," said Imam Yusaf Al Muhammed of Medina, Saudi Arabia. "I'm not going to say who it was, but the application was filled out in Hebrew."

"Oh, don't be such a k'vatsh," respondered Meyerson. "It's only 10,000 years. Trust me, after a few diaspora, you would have gotten used to the universal hatred thing."

Due to the absence of voluntary candidates, God's Law stipulated that the Almight had to choose a people at random to serve out the next 10-millenia term. Elias Contreau, director of the International Interfaith Working Group, said he wasn't surprised it came to a blind drawing.

"According to the Bible, God promised to bless Abraham and those who came after him," said Contreau. "Who knows, maybe that sounded good at the time, or maybe 'blessed' meant something different back then, like 'Short periods of prosperity interrupted by insufferable friggin' choas.' Whatever, I think it's safe to say that people didn't know what they were agreeing to."

Now they do, Contreau added, which he said explains why so many religions had lately been exalting God's existence, but downplaying their own.

"We were not avoiding Him. We just told our parishioners that if Anyone asks, we're out," insisted Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. George Carey, who had called off services during March. "Besides, we weren't the only ones. I didn't see the Hindus raising their hands."

"Now look, it's like we told the ethereal vision who dropped off the application, 'Sure, we have a strong shared faith and all that, but I wouldn't exactly say we're a 'people,' not really," recalled Hindu leader Samuldrala Swami Maharaj of Calcutta. "Plus, you know, I told him we had a lot of other commitments. We'd like to help, honestly. Another time, maybe."

In Jerusalem, Jewish leaders said they will propose an amendment to God's Law prohibiting a people from having to serve more than two consecutive terms. "Hopefully, G-d will hear our prayer," said Meyerson. "No, wait, that's what got us into this."

Americans, meanwhile, expressed outrage at the decision, saying they had assumed they were God's chosen people. However, explained Archibishop Carey, "It only seems that way because so many people don't like you."

Study: Women Who Drink More Fun To Study

2005-04-23T20:06:00.000-04:00

According to a new study on female alcohol use and blood pressure, young women who consume two or three alcoholic drinks a week are much more fun to do research on than women who do not consume alcohol.

Oh, and the report also found that women who have a few drinks each week are less likely to develop high blood pressure. Whatever.

The report, published in the Archives of Internal Medicine, studied drinking patterns and blood pressure among 70,000 nurses between the ages of 25 and 42.

Dr. Eric Shinauer, who headed the study for Harvard's School of Public Health, put the findings into perspective. "Alcohol, 70,000 nurses, and us," he said. "Is that cool or what?"

Shinauer and his colleagues -- Dr. Andrew Sporata and Dr. Chandra Palava -- conceded their initial grant was to study salt consumption. However, upon reflection, the trio decided that adjusting the parameters would dramatically heighten their interest in the research.

Explained Palava: "What it came down to was, did we want to say, 'Here young lady, have some salt and let's see what happens,' or, 'Here young lady, have a drink and let's see what happens.'"

"We're scientists, but we're not dead," he added.

In fact, Shinauer theorized there would be much more interest in studying women's health issues if alcohol were involved. Reaction to his study seems to bear this out, as already, several leading universities say they will attempt to verify the group's findings.

At Stanford University, epidemiologist Bruce Cawthorn said his department is very interested in testing Shinauer's conclusion that women have more than 10 alcoholic drinks a week increase their risk of developing high blood pressure by 30 percent. But more importantly, he added, his staff is "totally stoked" by the concomitant finding that these same women were also, statistically speaking, a blast.

Shinauer, however, insisted their most valuable conclusion was that researchers could do variations on this type of study for years. "We could do how alcohol affects blood pressure among female flight attendants, or how alcohol affects blood pressure among female strippers. We are so golden."

Palava, meanwhile, said he is working on "the Holy Grail" for this area of study -- a report on how drinking among young women affects drinking among young women. "We just have to figure out some statistically significant reason for doing it," he said.

Palava bristled, however, at the suggestion that researchers should also study the affects of alcohol on young men. "God, we're not gay," he said.

Stolen Silos Found In Weathersfield

2005-04-23T20:03:00.000-04:00

WEATHERSFIELD - Three 40-foot silos hijacked from Medina in the darkness of night - or in broad daylight; no one's really sure - turned up at a Weathersfield township business.

"The funny thing is, I went to Medina and went door to door asking people if they'd seen anything,'' said the owner of the silos, David Michael of Fremont. He made the trip after he learned the silos had been stolen. "You would have needed cranes to take the silos down, trucks to haul them away on. But no one saw anything at all.''

The silos are used by manufacturers, mostly producers of plastic and plastic goods, for storage, Michael said.

The Fremont man bought the silos for $12,500 in February 2004 from the auction of a defunct business in Medina. He recently found a buyer willing to pay three times what he paid.

But when the buyer got to the lot, the silos were gone.

According to Associated Press reports, the structures are so big that the city has to issue a permit for anyone to move them through town. The silos are 40 feet tall by 10 feet wide.

Medina police Lt. Bob Starcher told The Associated Press that he thinks someone might have disassembled the silos then trucked them away.

Michael said he took his plight to local newspapers, asking for help. More and more newspapers and televisions began picking up the story until someone in the Niles area recognized the silos and called Michael and told him where to find them.

The business who bought the silos paid $25,000 for the structures, thinking they'd been bought legitimately, Michael said.

Michael has been in the business of buying and selling the storage structures for more than 40 years, he said.

"This is kind of unusual,'' he said. "The guy would have to have been a nut to do something like this.''

Altered Pledge of Allegiance Stuns Students

2005-04-23T19:54:00.000-04:00

The students in Vincent Pulciani's seventh-grade class were reciting the Pledge of Allegiance this week when they heard the voice over the intercom say something they'd never heard before, at least not during the Pledge.

Instead of "one nation, under God," the voice said, "one nation, under your belief system."

The bewildered students at Everitt Middle School in Wheat Ridge never even got to "indivisible," according to Vincent's mother, Christina Pulciani-Johnson.

"He came home and told me about it after school, and he said, 'I just stood there, Mom. I didn't even know what to do. We all just stood there and didn't even finish it,'" Mrs. Pulciani-Johnson said, quoting her son.

Margo Lucero, the eighth-grade guidance counselor at the school, substituted the phrase "under your belief system" as she led the recitation of the Pledge on Wednesday.

After irate phone calls poured in from parents, Principal Kathleen Norton, who normally leads the Pledge but was out of the building at the time, apologized to students Thursday and sent home letters of apology yesterday.

"The principal called me later. She said she was dumbfounded. She wasn't in the building. She didn't approve it," Mrs. Pulciani-Johnson said.

Meanwhile, Jefferson County School District spokesman Rick Kaufman was engaged in damage control, describing Miss Lucero's decision to rewrite the Pledge as "inappropriate" and stressing that she had acted independently, without consulting the district or other school officials.

Mr. Kaufman said Miss Lucero had been spurred by the date, April 20, the sixth anniversary of the Columbine High School slayings. Both Columbine and Everitt are within the Jefferson County school district.

"The day was the sixth anniversary of Columbine, and she felt she should be all-inclusive, so she replaced the word 'God,'" he said.

Mr. Kaufman refused to say whether Miss Lucero had been disciplined by the district, citing private personnel matters. He did say she was still working at Everitt.

Parents said Miss Lucero had been slated to leave Everitt at the end of the year, and Shelley Pierce, whose daughter is in seventh grade, said it appeared that the counselor was clearing out her office.

Her daughter, Bailey, told her about the incident after school Wednesday. "I was really angry," Mrs. Pierce said.

"Legally, that's our Pledge of Allegiance, and I don't think anyone has the right to change it," she said. "I'm very happy with the way the district has handled it. Nobody's trying to defend it."
Miss Lucero could not be reached for comment.

The episode marks the second time this year the Pledge has made headlines in Colorado. In March, voters in Estes Park recalled a councilman, David Habecker, who refused to stand for the Pledge during town meetings.

Teachers' Union Suit Sparks 'No Bureaucrat Left Behind'

2005-04-23T19:50:00.000-04:00

President George Bush, faced with a teacher's union lawsuit over his 'No Child Left Behind' public education accountability mandates, announced a sweeping new reform proposal for the U.S. Department of Education.

Dubbed 'No Bureaucrat Left Behind' the new plan would address teachers' union complaints about unfunded federal mandates by removing the mandates, the funding and the federal role in public education.

"When I read the NEA lawsuit," said Mr. Bush, "I realized that as long as we funnel education money through Washington D.C., we provide teachers' unions with an excuse for their poor performance. Blame Bush. Blame Congress. Blame the Department of Education. But if all the money is raised and spent at the local level, then taxpayers can hold the unions accountable."

The 'No Bureaucrat Left Behind' reforms will completely shut down the federal Department of Education, however, all former employees are expected to find jobs with education lobbyist firms which will soon have to sell their ideas to thousands of school boards nationwide, instead of just a handful of Congressmen.

In Peculiar, Missouri, one unnamed local school board member remarked, "It sounds like a good plan to me. I'm looking forward to going on some of those lobbyist-funded junkets."

Bolton Withdraws to Run for Voinovich Senate Seat

2005-04-23T19:47:00.000-04:00

Embattled U.N. Ambassador nominee John Bolton stunned the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today by withdrawing from consideration for the U.N. post in order to challenge Ohio Republican George Voinovich for his Senate seat in 2006.

"You must become the change you wish to see," said Mr. Bolton, quoting his 'tranquility mentor', Mahatma Gandhi. "And as I sat before that committee last week, I thought it would be nice to see a real Republican Senator sitting in Voinovich's empty chair."

Mr. Voinovich, who is a Republican, failed to attend last week's confirmation hearings and this week said he couldn't vote because his Democrat colleagues appeared agitated about unproven allegations against Mr. Bolton.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "While President Bush regrets losing a qualified U.N. Ambassador, he looks forward to campaigning for Mr. Bolton for Senate, and only wishes he could run in Rhode Island as well."

Vietnam's 'Professor Turtle' Keeps Lake Legend Alive

2005-04-23T19:42:00.000-04:00

HANOI (Reuters) - Meet "Professor Turtle," keeper of The Lake of the Returned Sword and its mysterious giant reptile.

Zoologist Ha Dinh Duc, one of Hanoi's best-known characters and world famous in his field for tracking the huge turtle living in the center of Vietnam's capital, is retiring soon.

But he is not giving up his quest for recognition of the turtle as a unique species after 15 years of following its movements in the murky green water.

"I call the turtle great-grandfather," said Duc, 65, who displays an obvious attachment to the 6-foot-7-inch-long and 3-foot-7-inch wide endangered turtle he named after an emperor.

"Nobody knows the exact age of the turtle, but for me, it is maybe more than 600 years old."

The legend told over the years to Vietnamese children and now to an increasing number of tourists is that 15th century Emperor Le Loi used a magic heavenly sword to drive out Ming invaders from neighboring China.

A giant turtle emerged while Le Loi was boating on the lake and told him to return the sword to the Dragon King.

The weapon shot from its sheath into the mouth of the turtle, which disappeared underwater.

Thereafter, the body of water called Ho Luc Thuy (Green Water Lake) became known as Ho Hoan Kiem, or "The Lake of the Returned Sword" or "restored sword" in some translations.

In 2000, Duc named the giant turtle Rafetus Leloii. The zoologist gleefully says that his fellow Vietnamese call him "Professor Turtle."

TOURIST DRAW

Now, more than a decade after communist Vietnam opened its doors to the outside world, thousands of tourists flock annually to the lake to learn about the legend and perhaps catch a glimpse of the "monster" turtle estimated to weigh about 440 pounds.

Most travelers have to settle for visiting a temple on the lake that displays a preserved replica of one giant turtle found in the 1960s.

With tourism booming in Hanoi, it is not surprising that there have been more giant turtle sightings reported in recent years.

Five already this year, 27 in 2004 and 29 in 2003, compared with just nine between 1991 and 1993, the years Duc first began campaigning to protect the endangered turtle and the urban lake.

The slightly built, bespectacled professor records all reported sightings of Rafetus Leloii on a computer at his house in Hanoi. The room is filled with turtle books, photographs, videotape and documents, some stacked untidily on the floor.

He has about 300 photographs of the turtle's activity on the lake, including images of its pudgy, human-sized head peeking above the surface. Duc's pictures show that the "monster" has a distinctive white spot on the back of its head.

Duc, who will retire this year from the College of Natural Sciences at Hanoi National University, does not know exactly why there have been more reported sightings. No one knows what the turtle eats, he said, but probably anything it can find.

Nor does Duc know whether the turtle is male or female or how it came to be in the lake, but he is convinced it is the largest freshwater turtle alive. There are larger marine turtles around the world.

SPECIAL

"I think this is a very, very special species for Vietnam because there is only one," Duc said. Three of their kind appeared in the lake in the 1960s and all died.

"I have spent some time looking in lakes and rivers in Vietnam and I have not found any others."

Western turtle expert Douglas Hendrie and other scientists have written that there are other turtles of the same species in China.

World Conservation Union scientist Hendrie told an environmental conference in Vietnam last month that the giant turtle is thought to be one of six of its species remaining.

There are 10 other turtle species in the lake, Duc said. Just over a year ago, invasive red-eared sliders, native to the United States and kept as pets, appeared in the lake.

The species "eat everything" and were probably put there by people who were tired of keeping them as pets, Duc said.

All 28 turtle species found in Vietnam are listed as endangered by international conservationists.

Admired for their longevity and sometimes eaten as an aphrodisiac, turtles are considered a culinary delicacy in Vietnam and several other Asian countries.

A stew of tofu, banana and turtle, including the bones and shell, can cost as much as $100 in a Hanoi restaurant.

It seems unlikely that Rafetus Leloii will end up on anyone's dinner plate because of its near-sacred status in Vietnam, but it may die before all of the mysteries of its existence are known.

Frozen Sausage Breaks British Driver's Nose

2005-04-23T19:35:00.000-04:00

A DRIVER in Britain suffered a broken nose on Monday after a frozen sausage was thrown through an open window of his car, an ambulance official said.

The 46-year-old man was driving near his home in South Woodham Ferrers, Essex, southeast England, when the "bizarre incident" occurred, said a spokesman for the Essex Ambulance Service.

"He was driving his car when the offending item came through his open window and hit him on the nose," the spokesman said.

"He said he saw a car coming the other way and felt a searing pain in his nose. He managed to stop his car without hitting anyone else at which point passers-by came to his aid."

The driver lost a lot of blood from his broken nose but opted against going to hospital, according to the spokesman.

"I feel very sorry for him – it must have been an incredibly lucky or unlucky shot to get the sausage through a moving car window. I have never seen or heard of anything like this before," the ambulance spokesman added.

Police said they were investigating the incident and wanted to hear from anyone with information.

Ghosts In The Machine

2005-04-23T19:07:00.000-04:00

DOES the rattling of chains keep you awake at night? Do the wraiths of long-dead relatives join you for family gatherings? If so, a Japanese gadget company has designed the very thing for you: the world's first portable ghost radar.

The pocket-sized device promises to alert its owner to the presence of eight different types of spectre, from "lost souls" to "evil spirits".

Using a variety of carefully calibrated sensors - one of which claims to detect human fear - the machine informs users whether the ghost is malevolent or benign. The ghost radar hits Japanese stores next week, just in time for the Japanese ghost-spotting season, and no summer campfire gathering will be complete without it.

"Ghosts are something deeply ingrained in Japanese culture," says the device's inventor Kenji Koshida. "People talk about them all the time - especially engineers and other people you'd expect to live in the world of logic. I believe in them."