Enough of this pack of crap

I am abandoning Blogspot in favor of Xanga (*gasp*). This has not been an easy decision to make. However, I am impatient and waiting 30 seconds every time I click a link in the Blogger structure has gotten under my skin.

I had been posting in both, but I just can't do it any more. If it takes 10 minutes to write an article, it takes 10 more to post it through Blogger.

I know that Xanga is geared towards 14 year old girls whereas Blogger is more for pretentious egocentrics like me. I know this well. If Blogger operated on a system that actually worked I would continue using it. Besides, I have grown fond of my Xanga site and feel that it looks a lot better than 99.9999999999999% of the Blogger or Xanga sites out there.

Anyway, the Asylum will continue at www.xanga.com/thompsonius indefinitely, but I don't foresee any new posts here -- at least not until I hear that Blogger upgrades their systems to a functional speed.

Prisoners Decide Courtroom Trials "Just Not For Them"

Baghdad, Iraq -- In response to Saddam Hussein's decision not to attend his own court proceedings, a spokesman for the United States Department of Justice said today that prisoners all over the country were telling their guards that they weren't going to go to court either.

Many observers criticized the Saddam war crimes trial as a sham after the ousted Iraqi president was able to place his own trial on hold by boycotting it. "A dangerous precedent has been set. Now defendants can end their own trials just because they don't like the way it's going," said Shane Hix.

Within hours of the announcement that Saddam's trial had been postponed indefinitely because the defendant refused to go, hundreds of prisoners in jails across America made similar declarations. "If that Ay-rab can say his trial blows then so can I," said Jim Holland, of Trenton, New Jersey. Holland is charged is grand theft auto but has decided that since he is even more likely to be convicted than Saddam, he's not going to go either.

Hix pointed out the bright side of the matter. "Saddam said that he's not afraid of execution. That's a lucky coincidence for us since that's what he's going to get."

However, Hix declined to comment on any immediate Justice Department plans to mitigate the effects of the prisoners' boycotts. "Let's just hope Tom DeLay's not reading the newspaper today," he said.

On the Effectiveness of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study

Ali Rahimi, Ben Recht, Jason Taylor, Noah Vawter17 Feb 2005
1. Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Department, MIT.
2. Media Laboratory, MIT.

Abstract

Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyzer, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggest the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government's invasive abilities. We speculate that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

Introduction

It has long been suspected that the government has been using satellites to read and control the minds of certain citizens. The use of aluminum helmets has been a common guerrilla tactic against the government's invasive tactics. Surprisingly, these helmets can in fact help the government spy on citizens by amplifying certain key frequency ranges reserved for government use. In addition, none of the three helmets we analyzed provided significant attenuation to most frequency bands.

We describe our experimental setup, report our results, and conclude with a few design guidelines for constructing more effective helmets.

Experimental Setup

The Centurion

The Classical

The Fez

We evaluated the performance of three different helmet designs, commonly referred to as the Classical, the Fez, and the Centurion. These designs are portrayed in Figure 1. The helmets were made of Reynolds aluminum foil. As per best practices, all three designs were constructed with the double layering technique described elsewhere.

A radio-frequency test signal sweeping the ranges from 10 Khz to 3 Ghz was generated using an omni directional antenna attached to the Agilent 8714ET's signal generator.

The experimental apparatus, including a data recording laptop, a $250,000 network analyzer, and antennae

A network analyzer (Agilent 8714ET) and a directional antenna measured and plotted the signals. See Figure 2.

Because of the cost of the equipment (about $250,000), and the limited time for which we had access to these devices, the subjects and experimenters performed a few dry runs before the
actual experiment (see Figure 3).

Test subjects during dry run

The receiver antenna was placed at various places on the cranium of 4 different subjects: the frontal, occipital and parietal lobes. Once with the helmet off and once with the helmet on. The network analyzer plotted the attenuation between the signals in these two settings at different frequencies, from 10 Khz to 3 Ghz. Figure 4 shows a typical plot of the attenuation at different frequencies.

A typical attenuation trace from the network analyzer

Results

For all helmets, we noticed a 30 db amplification at 2.6 Ghz and a 20 db amplification at 1.2 Ghz, regardless of the position of the antenna on the cranium. In addition, all helmets exhibited a marked 20 db attenuation at around 1.5 Ghz, with no significant attenuation beyond 10 db anywhere else.

Conclusion

The helmets amplify frequency bands that coincide with those allocated to the US government between 1.2 Ghz and 1.4 Ghz. According to the FCC, these bands are supposedly reserved for "radio location" (i.e., GPS), and other communications with satellites. The 2.6 Ghz band coincides with mobile phone technology. Though not affiliated by the government, these bands are at the hands of multinational corporations.

It requires no stretch of the imagination to conclude that the current helmet craze is likely to have been propagated by the Government, possibly with the involvement of the FCC. We hope this report will encourage the paranoid community to develop improved helmet designs to avoid falling prey to these shortcomings.

Original study may be found at http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/

Special thanks for this gem of real-world news to:

James Fussell
Knight Ridder Newspapers
Dec. 2, 2005

Sooner or later you're going to sneeze.

And what with allergies, cold and flue season and furnaces blasting dust through your house like a leaf blower, we're betting on sooner. Ah, well. Or should we say, "achoo"?

But before you reach for the tissue again, ask yourself how much you really know about your noble sneeze? You might know, for instance, that when you do sneeze you spew 100,000 bacteria through the air at better than 100 mph. But did you know that you're also revealing aspects of your personality?

It's true.

So says Patti Wood, spokeswoman of Benadryl, the creator of "The Achool IQ Quiz."

Wood, who is also a body language expert, combined a sneezing survey of 547 people with three motnhs of "observational" analysis. Then she correlated people's sneezing styles and behaviors with a "well-researched" personality test.

Her conclusion: Even though nearly half the respondents believed their sneeze was sponatneous, most people have a specific sneezing style that closely matches their personality. Here are several styles Wood has analyzed. See which one best matches your personality.

The enthusiastic sneezer

But, lusty and powerful.

WOOD SAYS: "You are a charismatic leader and influencer. You are imaginative and have great 'out of the box' ideas. You are intuitive and can inspire and motivate others. You value your relationships and hold them dear. You welcome new people and new opportunities. You are optimistic and spontaneous. You are open, and people know what you are feeling. You are articulate and enjoy a good conversation, whether it is over the phone, over dinner or out socializing. You are more likely to have sneezes that people notice - big or multiple."

The nice sneezer

No showy histrionics or noise levels; would rather hold it back so as not to offend.

WOOD SAYS: "You are warm and friendly and like a relaxed pace. The most important thing in your life is your relationship with others. You will work hard to avoid conflict and get along. You are loyal, calm and dependable. People say you are a good listener, though you sometimes feel interrupted. You are helpful, supportive and nurturing."

The be-right sneezer

A proper, dignified and moderate achoo. Most likely to cover mouth with a tissue or hankie.
WOOD SAYS: "You are careful and accurate. A deep thinker, you always consider things before you speak. You are detailed and precise and catch mistakes that others miss. You have great insights and opinions, but you don't always get a chance to express them. You like to read books that make you think. You like to work by yourself and relax at home because you enjoy solitude. You take your time, play by the rules and wish others would do the same."

The get-it-done sneezer

Bang! Quick and hard. No nonsense.

WOOD SAYS: "You are fast, decisive and to the point. You wish others could do the same. You're efficient and uncomplicated. You do not have to rely on others. You are a leader. You are forceful and commanding and work to get things quickly accomplished. You seek physical exertion. You do not like to be used unfairly by others. You will hold in your sneeze if you can and are more likely to have a big loud sneeze than other types."

But surely those aren't the only kinds of sneezes. Recently, after our own informal analysis, we came up with a few more. What do they say? We'll let you be the judge of that.

THE BLASTER

Incoming! Hide the women and children. Board up the windows! Get out the Lysol!

Ahh Ahh CHOOOOOOOOO! (Also known as the Big Bad Wolf Sneeze, or the We-Can-Hear-You-In-The-Next-Area-Code Sneeze).

THE REPEATER

The sneeze so nice they do it twice. Or three times. Or 12. Sweet sassie malassie! You done now?
THE MINIMIZER

Dainty. Genteel. If polite society had an official sneeze, this would be it. A sneeze best performed after eating finger sandwiches and drinking tea with the pinkie extended. Sounds like (say it gently and politely, preferably in a high voice) Ahh-tyou!

THE COUGHER

Whoa! How did you sneeze out of your throat like that?

THE STIFLER

Two ahhs followed by a muffled internal explosion sometimes accompanied by a mouse squeak. Egads! You're going to blow your eyeballs out doing that.

THE SNUFFLER

Ever seen a dog sneeze?

THE SPRAYER

Eeeuuww! Get out the squeegee. Call the Centers for Disease Control. Ever heard of covering your mouth?

THE TWO-TIMER

Two sneezes, short and quick. Not three. Not one and done. Two. Every time.

THE FREEZER

The sneezer's face and entire body freeze for several seconds as the sneeze builds internally before expression.

THE TEASER

Five or six ahs followed by... nothing. Well? You going to do it or aren't you?

THE TOOTER

You know what we're talking about

SNEEZING Q&A

Q: What causes a sneeze?
A: In most cases, sneezing is the body's way of expelling an irritant from the nose. It also can be a reaction to allergies. But many other things have been shown to cause people to sneeze, including light (called photic sneezing), combing hair, tweezing eyebrows, rubbing the inner corner of the eyes, overeating, orgasm.

Q: Can you stifle a sneeze?
A: Sometimes you can stop it before it comes. But trying to stop it after it has started can be dangerous.

Q: Does the heart really stop during the sneeze?
A: You'd better hope not! A "stopped" heart is serious stuff. Sneezes are powerful however. They increase the pressure in your chest and change blood flow. It's possible what people are thinking about when they say a sneeze stops your heart is that an enthusiastic sneeze occasionally may make your heart flutter or skip a beat. But, no, it doesn't stop it - not even momentarily.

Q: What is the speed of a sneeze?
A: No one knows for sure, and scientific estimates vary widely. The most conservative estimators put the velocity of a sneeze at 100 mph. Then again, the JFK Health World Museum in Barrington, Ill., pegs the speed of a sneeze at 630 mph.

Q: What is the world sneezing record?
A: The Guinness Book of World Records' longest sneezing fit is 977 days, comprising more than a million sneezes.

Q: What role did sneezing play in the history of movies?
A: That goes back to Thomas Edison, who copyrighted the first film on Jan. 7, 1894. The quick movie snippet showed Edison's assistant, Fred Ott, sneezing. The title: (what else?) "Fred Ott's Sneeze."

Q: Has sneezing been studied much?
A: More than 50 major research papers have been written on it worldwide since 1991, including research into backward sneezing in dogs and turtle sneezing.

Q: Is sneezing dangerous?
A: As a rule, no. It's actually beneficial in removing irritants and clearing the nasal passages. But as with everything, there are exceptions. The medical literature includes instances where a patient damaged his aorta with persistent and violent sneezing.

Q: Is the inability to sneeze dangerous?
A: In India, they apparently think so. Psychology Today reported that while sneezing is seen as healthy there, the inability to sneeze is considered a medical problem known as "asneezia." No joke. The people of India have long used snuff as a way to artificially induce what they see as a lusty and cathartically healthy sneeze.

Q: Do animals sneeze?
A: Most do, said Liz Harmon, general curator for the Kansas City Zoo. Some animals she has seen sneeze include tortoises, tigers, parrots, bears, wolves, gorillas, chimps and orangutans. On the other hand, she has never seen a bird, snake or insect sneeze.

Q: What animal sneezes the most?
A: The iguana, according to reptile experts, sneezes more often and more productively than any other animal. Sneezing is teh way they rid their bodies of certain salts that are byproducts of their digestive processes.

Picture of the Day

The following is courtesy of the Washington Times

Hopefully posting this isn't a breach of my security clearance, but I can't resist. In my time with FEMA down here in Mississippi, I have learned a great many things about living and working within the federal bureaucracy. I have been impressed by the public information proofing and approval process. I am convinced that the process the federal government uses to authorize the release of information to the public is designed to prevent exactly that.

Allow me to give you a brief overview of the Public Information Proofing and Approval process.
First you have to write the darn thing. This entails collecting information from no less than 9 different departments depending upon what you need. None of these people want to give you said information because they don’t trust you to use it properly.

Once you write it (in this case a 9-page briefing for state and federal officials regarding Katrina relief efforts) you have to get it authorized. Ironically, at no point does this involve proofing for quality of writing – grammar and punctuation. All the authorizers care about is that you got the numbers correct. So you go back to the same people you got the numbers from to show that you did, in fact, use them correctly. However, you can never find those same 9 people; instead you have to go to 9 of their peers or assistants who share an equal distrust of seeing their numbers used on anything they themselves did not write. One by one you must coax and convince these people that your project is on the up and up. They will accept the clipboard which holds your believed project with something less than eagerness. “Come back in an hour” they will say whilst you know that it will take at least two. I say at least two because that is the minimum. In reality you may never see your clipboard again.

If by some miracle you get the program departments to sign off on the fact that you copied and pasted their data correctly, you then have to get the state and federal Public Information Officers to agree that your information is both pertinent to the public (or whoever the target audience is) and politically wise to distribute. Here you fall into the trap thinking, “I am a Public Information Officer. He is my peer therefore I will receive respect and helpful attention.” You would be foolish to hold to this notion. The PIO’s, in fact, sole job is to convince you that the information you are attempting to disseminate is not applicable or safe for distribution. He will demand that you remove certain portions (read: everything of consequence) or add others (data that does not exist in any meaningful way).

Once you get the PIOs on board for your project, you are almost done. Sweating bullets, you take the clipboard to the FCO’s office (Federal Coordinating Officer). If the FCO agrees that you have done well, then you are set. The FCO will not be in his office as he is the most important person in the entire disaster recovery and everyone knows that your importance is inversely proportional to the amount of time you are in your office (this relationship also applies, albeit oppositely, in terms of time elapsed before an email is ever returned).

Be reminded at no point in any of this was your project checked for grammar and punctuation. I suppose since you, esteemed PIO, were hired for your magnificent writing abilities, they do not feel that it is necessary to check your work in that area. I mean, c’mon everyone can write perfectly on their first try with no oversight, right? I mean can’t you? But of course if there are mistakes that are found later you will be blamed. Never mind that 9 other people said it was fine. The burden was on you.

Congratulations, FEMA Public Information Officer, you have successfully completed your project. You have developed and compiled information critically important that will help pacify and inform state and federal officials. Information is power and it is important that officials on the ground speaking to their constituents hold the power to assuage the anguish of those who will blame them for any failure. This will then allow them to successfully pass the blame onto FEMA (I have come to realize that my job is to streamline the process by which they blame us for everything).

Unfortunately, while you were writing this post you received word that the data and statistics that are included in your project have been updated. Your information is now out of date. Update your numbers and start the whole process over again.

TSA Eases Carry-On Restrictions -- Still No Box Cutters

Washington, DC -- Airline passengers will soon be allowed to once again carry certain previously-banned items, Transportation Security Administration chief Kip Hawley announced today.

The plan will take effect December 22. As part of a broad project aimed at reducing the growing discontent over airline security lines and delays, Hawley produced a list of items that would no longer be prohibited.

Under the new plan, airline travelers will be subjected to more random levels of security screening. "We feel that it is very important that a potential terrorist not know what to expect when he tries to board an airplane," Hawley said. Some airports, he said, might run full screenings with metal detectors, wands, pat-downs, strip searches and cavity searches. Others will, "stare at you menacingly."

Among the items now permissable on commercial airline flights: scissors, switchblades, butterfly knives, brass knuckles, chinese throwing stars, machetes, swords and mace-and-chains provided "the chain doesn't create a choking hazard," Hawley added.

Hawley was quick to point out that box cutters, nail clippers and Swiss Army knives are still banned because, "these are the tools of terrorism."

"With the proliferation of these easily-accessible weapons into the hands of potential terrorists, it is imperative that we retain a level of heightened security and awareness to keep the public safe and secure while flying."